Struggle

So here I am...unbelievably happy to be a mom yet unhappy with parenthood. I was warned about the struggle that many new moms feel when it comes to their career and the new love of their lives. Sure, lots of moms can do it all; they can have a career and be a GREAT mom. I am just not satisfied with the little bit of time my career leaves for my daughter. I am an environmental educator. This is what I have ALWAYS wanted to be. When I am away from my job, I miss it. I actually thought I would lose my mind during my maternity leave because I missed teaching and being in nature with my little explorers. The problem is that by working in my dream job, I have to drive about 1 hour each morning and each afternoon to reach it and return home. Sure, I use the drive time to interact with my daughter but I am very limited in what we can do while safely driving. Therefore, we leave for our daily journey at 7 am and don't return until around 6:30 pm. This gives me one hour to play with my little one and get her fed. We try to put bath off until 7:30 and bed is at 8:00 for her. More than I am willing to admit, her bedtime gets pushed back to 9 or 10 pm (poor little sleepy head!) I work 1-2 Saturdays out of the month but even if I had all weekends clear to spend with her, it is just not enough! The past 2 years have flown by and I can't help but feel anxiety about the next 16! I truly feel like I am missing out on something that I can never get back; something that I will regret missing. So although I love my job and will miss it terribly, I have started a journey of desperately seeking a way to stay home with my daughter. A way to get more time, to see more smiles and hear more laughs, a way to get more hugs and kisses, a way to have more time to teach her all of these important things that I have been teaching other kids for the last few years, a way to feel more complete and happier. I am searching for a way to make the most of the precious time I have with the greatest gift I have ever been given.